This summer for me has been very slow and quiet. And yet I feel like I am watching it from the outside, kinda like looking through a window watching everything that goes by. On the other side of the window where I am, I am left to observe and think about many different things. Such things that have come up are friends and peoples desire to for knowledge. I have friends and yet when we hang out I always feel this distance. Then at other times I feel farther from them, like I was left behind, but I know its all in my head cause when I look up there smiling at me. The one thing I would love to have is the ability to read minds. If I could do that then perhaps I would know peoples true nature and there would not be need for any pretence. I can not help wonder what people truly think about me and what they say behind my back. I have been involved of many of these, where I find myself talking about people behind their backs with other people, and I always wonder if the person I am talking to has those same conversations with me. I am usually good at perceiving people and this has helped me calm any doubts yet I can't help but wonder what people think of me. And this main thought is probably the main reason for masks. People are to scared to be rejected for who they really are and so create a mask to fit in and yet once you have friends it would be a little confusing cause you can't help but think if they would have liked you as you were but you wont show them the real you cause your to scared they wont like you so you keep up the lie. I think perhaps this is why I seem to be lying more then ever but not only to my friends and those around me but to myself as well. They all know I occasionally lie but what they don't see is that I do it more often then they think. I do not lie to be mean but I lie to make them feel better, give them the friend they need instead of myself.
I think its funny how I cant help but wanting to know about everyone. This has gotten me in a couple of arguments with Jacara because though I gain a little of everyone's life I give nothing of my own in return. She can not stand it and yet the few times I have actually said what was really on my mind she got really mad at me and we wound up fighting. I think if it had not been for the others the friendship but not have lasted this long. I guess the reason why I have not ended it would be because it would cause to much complication cause the group would have to split up and I would feel horrible for putting the others in a position to have to choose sides. So that is why I never tell anybody how I feel, I keep it in. Though I am glad that people can come to me with their problems. I feel like helping them, I don't really need to share or worry about my own problems. And I don't know if I am actually complicated or if I just make my self out to be but my problems and thoughts would just get everyone confused so I keep them in the back of my mind. All of this can be seen as a mask. I think I have allot but perhaps they are all not out in the open where someone can see them. I like to think of them like water where I am transparent and yet I reflect those around me and the situation so that I can easily blend in.
2 comments:
hey,
thanks for writing this.
daring, honest, and painful are some of the words that come to mind.
this sense of being behind glass - sharply put. i see that about you.
"I do not lie to be mean but I lie to make them feel better, give them the friend they need instead of myself." - this was helpful for me - i do this too - or something related and as radiohead says, "it wears me out".
more to say here, of course, with such a thought-provoking post. a quick reference - the movie, "The Graduate" - sort of a dark comedy that i didn't understand when i was in high school - shows a young person treated as an object, expected to behave (like a dog is expected to behave), and alienated (the film maker keeps showing the protagonist literally behind glass).
ok, i'm going to go interact with the others in the small village where we're staying. if i drink water and keep your words in mind i think it will be better than otherwise.
Yeah Andy, you were right; I could relate to this.
I can certainly understand how you [directed towards Kate now] feel, especially about friends and those that surround you. There are times where I feel like I want to just draw away from my peers and just be in complete solitude. However unlike the patient you, there has been times where I went about doing so.
"I do not lie to be mean but I lie to make them feel better, give them the friend they need instead of myself."- why is it that we have these standards for a friend? and who/what determines these characteristics that we mold ourselves into?
"I guess the reason why I have not ended it would be because it would cause to much complication cause the group would have to split up and I would feel horrible for putting the others in a position to have to choose sides. So that is why I never tell anybody how I feel, I keep it in." - I think this is a very mature thing to say. I have family members that are three times our age, and can't even understand this concept.
You not sharing your problems with others- do you feel like you would burden them by doing so? or does this just go along with you not wanting others to know what you are truly thinking?
One thing that I would disagree on, or not see it being applied to myself, is worrying about whether or not people like me for who I am or what I show to them. I always felt that worrying about something you can't change would just be a distraction.
Final question: If you could read minds and know what everyone thought about you, then what?
Post a Comment